Not Going to Change...

Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’ve been doing that…for almost 2 years. I keep on keeping on thinking that, magically, one day I’m going to wake up and what I want is going to be reality. But I haven’t changed anything. I just keep doing the same thing over and over and over… Why do I think this is going to work? Why am I OK with subjecting myself to something that’s exceptionally painful and emotionally straining? Why do I think it’s going to change? It’s not going to change. If I looked at myself from the outside I would tell myself that I was foolish. That I needed to move on and change something because what I was doing just was not working. That all the lies I tell myself are just that – lies. That it’s not like I have any reason to think what I want to happen will actually happen. There were no promises of change. There were no promises that, in the mythical end, I would win. Why do I think I will get my way? I guess part of it is that I am an eternal optimist….the tiniest bit of hope will keep me going for months, and evidently, years. If I’m a good enough person or if I try hard enough (albeit trying in the same way over and over), I will succeed. But I just don’t think I can use optimism to push through something that hasn’t changed, isn’t going to change. I feel like I need to take my pride and go home and stop playing the game where I can’t win. I just hate giving up…is that it? I don’t want to give up because….”What if?” Is “what if?” synonymous with optimism? Even as a little girl I would throw out “what if?” when my parents said no because there’s always a chance, right? What if tomorrow, I don’t change, BUT something else does? Then has my own little insanity been worth it? Did I, in fact, win? I mean, I work really hard so shouldn’t my hard work pay off? Or is hard work just an idea I use to make myself feel better? “You tried hard, you should be proud.” I don’t want to be proud; I want to win. Or I suppose, maybe I should just look at things differently - maybe I’ve already won. I mean, I know that I’m stronger and more confident and more secure (ok, just slightly, but still…), so maybe I’m not insane; I’m just optimistic.