Perspective

I realized after I posted my seriously depressing and sad blog yesterday that the name of my blog is about a sweet world. It's not about a dark and dreary place. It's a happy place where I have so much to be grateful for. I am going to do my best at focusing on everything that I have been blessed with. God has given me a good life - a great life!

My parents are amazing and supportive and caring. They are constanting telling me how proud they are of me and how much they love me. They are there for me through everything. I am so lucky!

I have a good job that challenges me daily. I work with good people who are fun and interesting.

I have a beautiful home.

I live with my best friend. And I am challenged daily by her two adorable toddlers who remind me of the simple things in life. And a 3 year old who is wise beyond his years.

I travel across the world.

I have great friends.

I am lucky. I live in a sweet world. And it's about time I started realizing that.

Missing you...

All weekend every time my cell phone dinged with a new text message, I hoped it was from you...something, anything. But it never was you. You're listening to what I said to you. But I don't want you to. I want you to let me know that you love me the most. I suppose that's just not the case, though. You're listening to me and it hurts like hell. I'm so sad I'm almost in tears. I guess that's why it never worked before; I couldn't imagine this pain and I didn't want this pain. I wanted you no matter what. I have to be strong, but right now I just want to be weak...

Damn you. Damn me. Why did I let this happen?

Trying again...

It never works. But it IS going to work this time. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to say no.

It took me two years to break up with my ex-boyfriend. I kept talking to him even though we were both miserable. Then finally one day he didn't return my phone call. And I didn't call him back the next day. Or the next. Or a week later. And then finally it was months. And now it's been years. And it's finally over. Because we stopped communicating. That's the only way it works. Emotions are too strong to get confused by talking. And talking is never as simple as talking.

So I'm stopping the communication. Even though I wait for the text, the call, the email...I wait because I still WANT to hear from you.

But I have to be strong. I have to be. Damn.

What You've Got

All I want is what you've got. The song by the Ahn Trio is ringing through my ears. It's hitting so close to home. They say "you've fallen short" and "you can't give me what I want anyway" but ALL I want is you. I know...all I want is you. All day every day...all I want is you. Why can't that be all you want too? Why am I fighting a losing battle? Why am I even in this fight?

You know, the thing is all my last posts have been so sad and lonely sounding, but when I look at life objectively, it's SO good. I have a good job, good friends, good everything...and yet I dwell on something that isn't good...well good in the traditional sense of the word. It's SO good at times and so crazy and painful at other times.

Be appreciative of what you do have. That's what I tell myself. That's what I need to do.

But I still want what you've got.

Sad

I don't want to care about you at all. I don’t want to care who you’re on the phone with. I don’t want to care what you’re doing at night. I don’t want to care when I don’t hear from you. I don’t want to care that you pick her over me every day. I don’t want to care that you live with her. I don’t want to care that you’re going to marry her one day. I don’t want to care about you at all. I don’t want to. But I do. I do so much and it hurts.

I know you care about me, but I want you to care more. I want you to care so much that you can’t imagine another moment without me. I want you to care so much that you don’t know how you get through the nights without being next to me. I want you to care so much that think about your future and see only me. Because I do. I care that much. Some days I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t know how I make it through the day. I want you to care that much.

Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me and stay away? Why can’t you just leave me alone? Why do you let me think there’s hope when there isn’t hope? Why can’t you just let me get on with my life – with finding someone that wants only me? Why can’t you go away? Why do you keep coming back to me?

Want to

I want to think differently. I want my opinion to change. I want to use logic and not emotion. I want it to be easy not so damn hard. I want to listen to the people who care the most about me, who know me the best. I want to let go. I want to be free.

Is wanting to change my thinking enough to change my actions? Can I talk myself into changing, even if I’m struggling with the desire to do so? Why do I think that if I do change – even knowing that it’s the logical, practical thing to do – I’ll be crushed? That I’ll never find what it was I thought I had already found, falsely perhaps, again. Why I am tricking myself into believing that my situation is OK? Why do I not think that karma is going to come around and kick my ass to the curb so fast I won’t know what hit me?

And why did I even let myself get here in the first place? Why didn’t I just stop and say what in the world are you thinking???? There is NO good that could have come out of this…I know that. Logical me knows that so well. Emotional me is hooked.

Step 1. I want to change. Let’s see how long it takes to make it to Step 2.

Not Going to Change...

Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’ve been doing that…for almost 2 years. I keep on keeping on thinking that, magically, one day I’m going to wake up and what I want is going to be reality. But I haven’t changed anything. I just keep doing the same thing over and over and over… Why do I think this is going to work? Why am I OK with subjecting myself to something that’s exceptionally painful and emotionally straining? Why do I think it’s going to change? It’s not going to change. If I looked at myself from the outside I would tell myself that I was foolish. That I needed to move on and change something because what I was doing just was not working. That all the lies I tell myself are just that – lies. That it’s not like I have any reason to think what I want to happen will actually happen. There were no promises of change. There were no promises that, in the mythical end, I would win. Why do I think I will get my way? I guess part of it is that I am an eternal optimist….the tiniest bit of hope will keep me going for months, and evidently, years. If I’m a good enough person or if I try hard enough (albeit trying in the same way over and over), I will succeed. But I just don’t think I can use optimism to push through something that hasn’t changed, isn’t going to change. I feel like I need to take my pride and go home and stop playing the game where I can’t win. I just hate giving up…is that it? I don’t want to give up because….”What if?” Is “what if?” synonymous with optimism? Even as a little girl I would throw out “what if?” when my parents said no because there’s always a chance, right? What if tomorrow, I don’t change, BUT something else does? Then has my own little insanity been worth it? Did I, in fact, win? I mean, I work really hard so shouldn’t my hard work pay off? Or is hard work just an idea I use to make myself feel better? “You tried hard, you should be proud.” I don’t want to be proud; I want to win. Or I suppose, maybe I should just look at things differently - maybe I’ve already won. I mean, I know that I’m stronger and more confident and more secure (ok, just slightly, but still…), so maybe I’m not insane; I’m just optimistic.

Away...

I've been away from the blogging world. I don't know what happened exactly. I became uninspired, perhaps? I no longer need to vent to the world at large? I don't know. BUT, I'm back. The anxiety that attacks me from time to time has fired a shot so I need to share these feelings (I'm tapping my foot like crazy as I type).

Why do people come back into your life? I mean, I closed a chapter of my life a few years ago and then a person from that chapter has reappeared. And they can't even give me a good reason why they're back. I ask and the response is, "I don't know." Well if you don't know why should I reopen an old wound just to let you hurt me again? It took a long time to get over. A long time that involved a great deal of said anxiety. I don't want you back in my life. And just when I start to let my guard down and think, just maybe, they do something stupid again. No. I will not let you back into my life. Stay out. Stay away. Just leave me alone and let me live my life here...away from you.

Disappointed

There's just not a better word to describe what I'm feeling. I mean really. Who wants to work for someone that's not only not older than them, but has less experience doing what you do? Like, it just makes me feel like anything I've done previously got trumped by a title. I'm annoyed too. OK, so there's an equal word to disappointed. Two fabulous words for making me want to come to work every day. I need a day to be whiney. I want to leave. I want to hide in a corner and pout. That's the way to be professional, right? Bleh.

Guilty

I feel guilty.

A girl I went to high school with – we weren’t friends and I can’t really even remember any interactions with her, honestly – is struggling financially now. I know that she’s struggling because she chronicles it via Facebook many times a day. Last week she posted that she couldn’t pay her $40/night hotel any longer and she and her two middle school aged daughters were about to be homeless. And that just hit me. Hard. I mean she has two jobs and still can’t afford to get by. My biggest struggle is how many times a week should I let myself eat out…not because of financial concerns, but my waistline. I mean, why did I get so lucky? Why did I get parents who saved for me to go to college, who helped me buy a house, who are there for me whenever I need them? I feel guilty. But I shouldn’t right? I should be proud of myself for taking the gifts that I was given and making something of myself. For actually going to college and getting a degree so I could get a good job. For saving and not spending everything. For trying to better myself.

But I still feel guilty. So I sent the girl from high school money. And she keeps thanking her friends but I don’t think about her as my friend. I just feel guilty. I bought a pair of Christian Louboutin shoes with part of my bonus and she can’t afford $216/week for a hotel room. So that makes me feel bad.

I have a friend who works much more closely with people in lower economic status than me who tells me not to feel so guilty. That there are programs out there for people. That she should go to any number of agencies and they can help her. I just need to get tougher skin, right? Stop feeling guilty for working hard and going to college and being successful. I’m going to work on that.

I wish...

I wish that…
some things would never change…
some things would change tomorrow…
my stomach would stop acting so weird…
I made more money…
my family lived closer to me…
I knew what tomorrow was going to bring…
I would stop worrying what tomorrow will bring…
love would magically fall into my lap…
I could read minds…
I was more patient…
I didn’t get such terrible hangovers…
I liked to clean…
I wasn’t so lazy sometimes…
I loved working out…
I could stay Elite on Continental forever…
I had gone to law school (sometimes)…
I knew when to say goodbye…
I didn’t take so many things personally…
I had a big yard at my house…
I could sing…
I was more self-confident…
I didn’t need to make a list like this to realize I have so much already.

Locks

I changed my locks. After I changed my locks I noticed that one of the extra bedroom’s door no longer went “beep beep beep” when it was opened and closed. Now, I didn’t really think that this was going to impact me too much. BUT, apparently it did. Since about that time, every night I go to sleep sometime between 11 and 12:30 and every night around 2:30 I wake up. I always look to see if I can see someone standing outside my bedroom door (weird, yes, I know). Then I lay back down and fall asleep…until about 4:30 when I wake up again, decide that no one is going to break into my house that late and fall asleep blissfully until my alarm goes off. I was telling one of my friends how I hadn’t been sleeping very well lately when I remembered that dang door beep. And I thought, “hmm, I wonder if that’s why I wake up at 2:30 every night?!” So I finally motivated myself enough to go downstairs and reinstall the door knob. I thought my installation was the reason for the lost beep; however, I actually think it had to do with the window A/C I purchased for my previous roommate – I apparently just didn’t notice that the door had lost its beep until I changed the locks. I took down the window A/C and tada, the door now goes “beep beep beep” again. Last night I went to bed around midnight and didn’t wake up until 4:30. So I’ll take that as progress.

It's Because I'm SUPPOSED To

A new study says that humans are born with a predisposition to dance (or “move rhythmically in response to music”). I now have research to point to for why I am inclined shake my booty (nod my head, tap my foot, do a little wiggle) any time I hear music! Seriously, at softball every week “Softball Guy” (he’s on another team) brings his party on wheels (intense sound system on a wagon thing he built (he told me that)) and I can hear it from both fields so I just dance the entire time I’m in the field and when I’m batting. I mean, my team certainly picks on me, but I’m OK with that. I just can’t help myself; I hear the music and I react. When I was in college/early 20s I always wanted to go to bars where I could dance…my friends not so much (maybe their predispositions aren’t as strong as mine). I usually gave in and just wherever the consensus was…but still danced.

Weddings are this dancing girl’s dream…it’s awesome because there are usually enough intoxicated people that I get a big group of dancing crazies to shake it with me. And bachelorette parties. And Bourbon Street. And another thing, a guy immediately becomes that much hotter when he shows that he has some rhythm and is willing to dance WITH ME. I mean *sigh* it’s an incredible turn-on…Unless they’re trying to dance like Justin Timberlake or something and then they’re just weird. I mean, I think I may not even like dancing with Justin because 1. he’d obviously be better than me and 2. people that are REALLY good dancers don’t really need to show off. Anyway. So dancing. Yeah, it’s awesome. You should listen to your inner self and just shake it…even if it's just a little.

Crazy...

I have days where I feel overwhelmed and crazy and it takes over my mind. Like I have this anxiety that I just can’t shake. And even more fun, it’s an anxiety that affects me physically…my toes curl, my feet tap, my breathing gets weird, I basically just look like a crazy lady. So, yep, you guessed it, today is a crazy day. It’s based on a few things I think. One, I’m supposed to go away this weekend with a bunch of people who are all coupled up…except me. Two, I saw something on Facebook that made me sad. Not that it was news to me, it just reinforced something that I like to forget and so now it’s on my mind. Three, work is stressing me out. I feel like someone is trying to encroach on my job and that’s annoying. Four, a friend is dealing with an unstable person in her life and it’s stressing me out too. I’ve always had this protector feeling towards her and it’s hard to not be able to protect her from what she’s going through. So now, I’m sitting at my desk, shaking my leg and breathing weird and overwhelming myself because I want the crazy feeling to go away and it won’t so it’s getting worse. I don’t know how to fix myself and that’s exceptionally annoying. I mean, I’m smart. I know the answers to stuff. I rock at Trivial Pursuit. And I suck at getting the answers about myself. So that’s annoying. And overwhelming. So I’m trying to tell myself to breathe. It will be ok. You can’t have the answers to everything all the time (that’s hard). You need to stop thinking about EVERYthing all at once. I mean, that’s stupid, right? Unless you’re Congress, then you think you can fix all healthcare problems with a $900BB broken bill that won’t even cover them…but I digress. Little pieces. Don’t focus on everything. Don’t worry about things that I can’t change, because face it, I just CANNOT change them. So why should I stress over that? OK, so there you go. My crazy moment. All nice and documented here in my blog.

The Soundtrack to My Life

Music is constantly running through my head (probably because I have my iPod hooked up a majority of the time…). Songs trigger memories like nothing else for me. The song Cecilia makes me think of my first car…a 1989 white Ford Escort hatchback. One of my friends would roll down (hand roll, this thing didn’t have power anything…except seatbelts (smart parents)) the windows, hang her head out, and bang on the side of the car while she loudly sang the words to the song – because, she said, that was the name of my car…even now that memory makes me laugh. The song Rambling Man makes me think of Beta Convention in high school. For some reason I can picture my friends sitting in the stands in the coliseum where the convention was held. We’re playing with a tennis ball and singing along to the song and laughing and being silly teenage girls. The song comes on and I think of my girlfriends and remember what a fun childhood I had. Dixieland Delight makes me think of college…it was the fraternity next door’s theme song of sorts…I learned it my freshman year and now that song makes me think of those guys and the parties I used to go to with them. Good memories.

I can also take almost any lyrics and relate them to my life. “Say what you need to say”….I don’t hold anything in. I think I need to let people know how I’m feeling…either about them or a situation or whatever. I don’t want to ever regret NOT saying something to someone I care about. People need to know how you feel. I like knowing how other people feel about me (well the nice/good thoughts anyway)… “I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all”…what do they say, “it’s better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all…”? Agreed. At least you know love exists…that there’s hope for the future. If you find love once, surely you can find it again? And even if you don’t find it again (still, find that extremely hard to believe), you did get to feel that feeling once.

I guess I’m a romantic – a lot of my favorite lyrics relate to love or the idea of love…”I fall so hard at the idea of you…”, “it’s not where but who you’re with that really matters”…I really believe that I can be anywhere as long as I’m with people I care about. After all it is “one sweet world…” and “Girls just wanna have fun”, right?

Busy Mind

There are so many things on my mind today…

Sometimes I wish I could be in charge of other people’s – my friends or just random people – minds. Like I feel like the answers are so obvious…it would be so easy for me to make decisions without the emotional attachment or bias or whatever. Unfortunately, I’m not in charge so I’ll just go with supporting my friends and thinking I-could-do-better thoughts about the randoms….(and those people can think the same thing about me too… :) ).

My little brother may buy the car that I have been longing after for the last two years or so. I am jealous. Very jealous.

Why do people brake when they see a police car on the other side on the interstate – and separated by a concrete wall? That aggravates the crap out of me. It happened on the way to work this morning. Dude…the police officer is NOT going to pull you over AND you’re going less than the speed limit already because we’re in a parking lot. Keep going! Oh, and another annoying thing (while I’m at it) – why do people push a button in the elevator when it’s already lit up? We’re going to stop on that floor….you don’t need to push it too. Unless you’re like 4 and REALLY like doing things for yourself, if the floor is already selected, we’re going to stop there. Finally (geez, guess I woke up on the wrong side of the bed), GRAMMAR. Holy cow, that one kills me. HAVE done, not have did. No, no, no. I have run the report already. NOT, I have ran the report already. That’s just incorrect. Past participles people…learn them, embrace them, use them!

OK, happy thoughts. I love music. Some songs seem to be just written for me. I can listen to a song on repeat for hours…in college my girlfriends made fun of me for that…”umm, someone REALLY likes the new Shania Twain CD…” hahaha…I didn’t even notice I was doing it.

Whew, glad I got all that out there…

Census

I filled out my Census form last night. I sat down to fill it out expecting it to take a good 15-20 minutes and it took 2. Why? Because I am a family of one (well that and the fact that I didn’t realize that the Census doesn’t really ask a lot of questions). Now, most days the fact that I’m single really doesn’t bother me one little bit (after all, I get to do whatever the hell I want with my money, time, and self), but sometimes it takes the Federal Government to point out that I am, in fact, alone. I mean, I have the cat, but she isn’t really good at talking back (wait, am I complaining?). I appreciate my independence, but I would also like a partner to do all those fun things I like to do with. It was so easy to meet people in college and then after college…where do they go? I don’t think the guys I’m looking for are at bars, but, I mean, I’m at the bar so why should I let that get in the way? Or do girls and guys think about meeting someone “out” differently? I think oh, nice guy, wonder if he’d like to get dinner…but does the guy think, oh, nice ass, wonder if she’s drunk enough to go home with me? And friends….it seems like your friends would be a good source of nice, non-ass-seeking men, but mine apparently are all out. So I guess that’s my question – where do you find guys after college?

Oh, and Happy 30th Birthday my little brother!

First Post

So I've already had my first accidental delete and I haven't even published one posting...such is life.

Anyway, I've spent alot of time lately reading random people's blogs and decided that I was probably ready to attempt writing my own blog. I have so many thoughts and opinions that I just need to get out for all the world to read. For now I'm going to write anonymously. I'm a Blogger Girl of Intrigue and Mystery. I'm not sure if I'll stay that way but I'd like to start out this way.

About me: 30ish professional girl who loves to travel (domestic & internation), play sports (softball, golf, skiing), listen to music (live or iPod), and have fun.