Missing you...

All weekend every time my cell phone dinged with a new text message, I hoped it was from you...something, anything. But it never was you. You're listening to what I said to you. But I don't want you to. I want you to let me know that you love me the most. I suppose that's just not the case, though. You're listening to me and it hurts like hell. I'm so sad I'm almost in tears. I guess that's why it never worked before; I couldn't imagine this pain and I didn't want this pain. I wanted you no matter what. I have to be strong, but right now I just want to be weak...

Damn you. Damn me. Why did I let this happen?

Trying again...

It never works. But it IS going to work this time. I'm going to be strong. I'm going to say no.

It took me two years to break up with my ex-boyfriend. I kept talking to him even though we were both miserable. Then finally one day he didn't return my phone call. And I didn't call him back the next day. Or the next. Or a week later. And then finally it was months. And now it's been years. And it's finally over. Because we stopped communicating. That's the only way it works. Emotions are too strong to get confused by talking. And talking is never as simple as talking.

So I'm stopping the communication. Even though I wait for the text, the call, the email...I wait because I still WANT to hear from you.

But I have to be strong. I have to be. Damn.

What You've Got

All I want is what you've got. The song by the Ahn Trio is ringing through my ears. It's hitting so close to home. They say "you've fallen short" and "you can't give me what I want anyway" but ALL I want is you. I know...all I want is you. All day every day...all I want is you. Why can't that be all you want too? Why am I fighting a losing battle? Why am I even in this fight?

You know, the thing is all my last posts have been so sad and lonely sounding, but when I look at life objectively, it's SO good. I have a good job, good friends, good everything...and yet I dwell on something that isn't good...well good in the traditional sense of the word. It's SO good at times and so crazy and painful at other times.

Be appreciative of what you do have. That's what I tell myself. That's what I need to do.

But I still want what you've got.

Sad

I don't want to care about you at all. I don’t want to care who you’re on the phone with. I don’t want to care what you’re doing at night. I don’t want to care when I don’t hear from you. I don’t want to care that you pick her over me every day. I don’t want to care that you live with her. I don’t want to care that you’re going to marry her one day. I don’t want to care about you at all. I don’t want to. But I do. I do so much and it hurts.

I know you care about me, but I want you to care more. I want you to care so much that you can’t imagine another moment without me. I want you to care so much that you don’t know how you get through the nights without being next to me. I want you to care so much that think about your future and see only me. Because I do. I care that much. Some days I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t know how I make it through the day. I want you to care that much.

Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me and stay away? Why can’t you just leave me alone? Why do you let me think there’s hope when there isn’t hope? Why can’t you just let me get on with my life – with finding someone that wants only me? Why can’t you go away? Why do you keep coming back to me?

Want to

I want to think differently. I want my opinion to change. I want to use logic and not emotion. I want it to be easy not so damn hard. I want to listen to the people who care the most about me, who know me the best. I want to let go. I want to be free.

Is wanting to change my thinking enough to change my actions? Can I talk myself into changing, even if I’m struggling with the desire to do so? Why do I think that if I do change – even knowing that it’s the logical, practical thing to do – I’ll be crushed? That I’ll never find what it was I thought I had already found, falsely perhaps, again. Why I am tricking myself into believing that my situation is OK? Why do I not think that karma is going to come around and kick my ass to the curb so fast I won’t know what hit me?

And why did I even let myself get here in the first place? Why didn’t I just stop and say what in the world are you thinking???? There is NO good that could have come out of this…I know that. Logical me knows that so well. Emotional me is hooked.

Step 1. I want to change. Let’s see how long it takes to make it to Step 2.

Not Going to Change...

Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’ve been doing that…for almost 2 years. I keep on keeping on thinking that, magically, one day I’m going to wake up and what I want is going to be reality. But I haven’t changed anything. I just keep doing the same thing over and over and over… Why do I think this is going to work? Why am I OK with subjecting myself to something that’s exceptionally painful and emotionally straining? Why do I think it’s going to change? It’s not going to change. If I looked at myself from the outside I would tell myself that I was foolish. That I needed to move on and change something because what I was doing just was not working. That all the lies I tell myself are just that – lies. That it’s not like I have any reason to think what I want to happen will actually happen. There were no promises of change. There were no promises that, in the mythical end, I would win. Why do I think I will get my way? I guess part of it is that I am an eternal optimist….the tiniest bit of hope will keep me going for months, and evidently, years. If I’m a good enough person or if I try hard enough (albeit trying in the same way over and over), I will succeed. But I just don’t think I can use optimism to push through something that hasn’t changed, isn’t going to change. I feel like I need to take my pride and go home and stop playing the game where I can’t win. I just hate giving up…is that it? I don’t want to give up because….”What if?” Is “what if?” synonymous with optimism? Even as a little girl I would throw out “what if?” when my parents said no because there’s always a chance, right? What if tomorrow, I don’t change, BUT something else does? Then has my own little insanity been worth it? Did I, in fact, win? I mean, I work really hard so shouldn’t my hard work pay off? Or is hard work just an idea I use to make myself feel better? “You tried hard, you should be proud.” I don’t want to be proud; I want to win. Or I suppose, maybe I should just look at things differently - maybe I’ve already won. I mean, I know that I’m stronger and more confident and more secure (ok, just slightly, but still…), so maybe I’m not insane; I’m just optimistic.

Away...

I've been away from the blogging world. I don't know what happened exactly. I became uninspired, perhaps? I no longer need to vent to the world at large? I don't know. BUT, I'm back. The anxiety that attacks me from time to time has fired a shot so I need to share these feelings (I'm tapping my foot like crazy as I type).

Why do people come back into your life? I mean, I closed a chapter of my life a few years ago and then a person from that chapter has reappeared. And they can't even give me a good reason why they're back. I ask and the response is, "I don't know." Well if you don't know why should I reopen an old wound just to let you hurt me again? It took a long time to get over. A long time that involved a great deal of said anxiety. I don't want you back in my life. And just when I start to let my guard down and think, just maybe, they do something stupid again. No. I will not let you back into my life. Stay out. Stay away. Just leave me alone and let me live my life here...away from you.